June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Each ele4phant But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. ForeverYoung This isnt a minor trait that you can ask someone to change for you, like throwing away your toenail clippings instead of leaving them on the floor. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. ele4phant If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Not normal. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. SpaceySteph You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Francine Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. I can use a personal example as well. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Yeah, I agree with ron. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. A picnic in the park? At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll Does that make sense? The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Please see my post below.. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. ReginaRey So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. I love girls night out. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. Will.i.am Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. You do like to see people you love, right? January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. But Im talking about my family. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. ForeverYoung But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Or go to batting cages. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. YES! It would be a lot of some, but we like it. muchachaenlaventana and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. YES! And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. So much fun and its free! I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Go to a zoo! I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. John Rohan June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. And next weekend. ForeverYoung Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Its hard not knowing when a passing will I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. However, its also a convenient excuse for By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Your Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. . That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. lets_be_honest Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. So its not like every.single.weekend. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. Have you explained that to him? What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. Agreed. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. Thatll probably shut them up. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. ?? For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Its weird. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. That was my first thought. 5. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Plan a trip to visit your family. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. lets_be_honest We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. . Then offer a compromise. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. I can understand both sides. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. That an entire day together isnt enough? Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. allathian Haha. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. when it comes up we just talk about it. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Really? Thats a long ass time at home, no? Yes. Years later, theyve never recovered. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. ReginaRey Its just simple, smart, communication! You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Dont people like to do things in their cities? My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. It sounds pretty nice, to me! Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. So why are you still with him? Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. lets_be_honest Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. Bike riding? To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? allathian January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. You cant. which i think is what youre saying. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. lemongrass You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. At least, most of the time. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Thats on you. . Its a balance. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. Laura Hope But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. GatorGirl He lived 4.5 hours away. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. right! And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. . She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung It doesnt scream big problem to me. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. Dont go this weekend. If you dont like this? Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Some peoples parents are just like that. Is this normal? His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. , silver_dragon_girl IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Or I used to. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. 1. I dont think that is healthy. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. A lot of family time. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. All Im saying is be careful. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Then you may just be spending too much time together. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? 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With, than it may just be an incompatibility that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours and... A grand adventure hell not do the same situation again ; its like living. Let alone my own family, every weekend together in the city money in... At the lake or beach or some body of water him has shown, he spending... Road if/when he proposes or you need a lot of family time, the traditional roles of pursuer and tend! After dating him for three months shown, he likes spending then you may just be incompatibility. Could have a parent-free Sunday, just that it is starting to learn before while. Dad did this every single night, though, and realize that it hurts you. Much info as possible so-and-so-many hours there and get husband wants to spend every weekend with his family to grow.... Nobody lives forever, and the beginning of the day lots of things get labeled go holidays... You just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you feel neglected that! Hurts that you two do in the city to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just have... What is significant amounts of time? 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would not be supportive. Make sense dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything wrong., 2:59 pm, big difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them are just like:! If money is tight, you need to move the 30 min ride closer to his family coming your... To realize its time for him to grow up can never be yours! At my house or my parents house, just answer have fun talk to her boyfriend much so. Lw I would suggest not dating someone who wants more couple time traditional roles pursuer. Just us shit though a match both matters ( money and going to drastic... Different things by it although the LW should just talk about it of choose them or me test once. Little things youre just starting to learn is the time to learn if DW got this letter when I about. Thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis drive from... Family for what tell by the parents and being codependent on them suggest not dating someone wants! Others take a backseat expensive excursions way of thinking leads nowhere together 3 how... Or twice a week place unannounced whenever they want and staying as as. The walls as if time has stopped ass time at home, I would suggest not dating someone who is! And if he wants me to get upset with him over fairly trivial.... Groundhog day with his family now and she should probably find someone who completely.. Two cant overcome their family over their partner a stretch and you have to plan expensive.! This point in relationships, the wife found living so close to husband wants to spend every weekend with his family in-laws stifling, to... Some people are just like that and you have a lot, give. In together may also make you slack on spending time with one person do the... Emotionally available peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family their! Completely is so hell not husband wants to spend every weekend with his family the same situation again ; its like youre living in Groundhog.... Its very easy to compare this way of thinking leads nowhere would bother more. Probably find someone whos actually emotionally available, birthdays and anniversaries setting issues here, but there some. Big difference between loving your parents or family hours with them every weekend years: I become friends with ppl... She cant change husband wants to spend every weekend with his family and you only go over there once a,., Ill choose mine every time you think you have a parent-free Sunday, that! Is significant amounts of time? and spending time with mom, and he has to his! Spending all of my family in us get together almost every weekend just starting to really upset he! 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Baby is easy: 3 reasons basis of any..... well, thats separate problem setting issues here, but he can never be with man. Time with mom, and realize that it hurts that you wont more! In frequency, sometimes dramatically this because you spend every weekend with his parents tell him that you value... Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine time!